From someone who might be hitting the pipe too often

Question: Am I paranoid, or is everyone really out to get me?

Answer:

Okay sweet cheeks, my first question to you were we chatting in person would be, have you been partaking of any controlled substances? If so, try cutting back, and you might discover that the feeling goes away.

If someone in your office invites you out for drinks, and you notice a little flashing red light on the pen in his shirt pocket, do NOT say anything incriminating about what you did with the VP's husband at the holiday party, and do NOT talk shit about your boss. This guy is recording you, and plans to use this information to blackmail you around promotion time.